Skimpy Scrawlings

My Mam is 75 on friday. Also my brother Phil's Mam is 75 as well so we're taking her on a trip to Prog in the Czech Reprobate with Phil's new-world family (Rachet, Eye-sac and Is-it-a-bell). This trip will be glorious celebration of Vera's life so far and once we decide the mode of transport to the airport, all will be well. I'd prefer to take the hydrofoil but everyone else wants to walk there on mountian bikes.

Mam was etched out of the finest North East granite in 1931. You can actually still make statues of her by dropping molten copper into the reconstructed cliff wall left over from her creation. Mere physical frailties and ailments bounce and perish as they attempt to enter the Fort Knox that is her constitution. She has a shock of hair which generates so much static electricity that it has the Bermuda triangle looking on enviously as U-boats and guillemots fly headlong into its deadly gravitivity. Poems of Veronic celebration write themselves unchecked, leaping into life from same potent ether...

Oh happy birthday Vera,
True image like no other,
Everyone can here 'er,
Especially me and my brother.

Florence it comes next year,
For Beany, Bags and wor Pigs,
Though I heard it smells of dog hair,
A dump that is just like Stig's.

And so let's raise a glass,
I'm sure she won't be miffed,
Happy Birthday Mother,
On your seventy fifth!

All our love, Mam, as always

X

I've got a really fit bird with long legs and a great ass.


Speak soon babe. X

So I went to two weddings in two days the other week. The first was the grand union of Clodagh and Martin over in Northern Ireland. The actual marrying part of the gig was in a fantastic church in Ballycastle and the reception was in Ballymena. I asked my co-travellers what 'Bally' meant, local boys as they are with brains like steel-traps and tongues as sharp is stanley knives. Not one of them knew the answer. It's a anglicisation of the gaelic word 'baile' which means 'town', you thick fecking eejits!

The wedding was great and anybody who's remotely interested can check out Murphy's totally undistorted collection of piccies here. It's difficult to sum up the how brilliant the whole thing was when there are so many verbally gifted gobshites over in Belfast who can do it so much better, so I suggest you ask one of them. If you are from outside of N. Irelend, record the answer on a dictaphone and play it back again and again until the batteries begin to wear down and when this happens, the voices will slow down to a speed and tone understandable to the human ear. Patience is required but it will be worth the trouble.

For my part, I offer this...

And so they got married, Martin and Clodagh,
She looked gorgeous, you should've seen her
They went together like whiskey and soda,
As they Bally'd from Castle to Mena.

I felt so honoured, as grand as it sounds
Of this day we'll all talk often,
They both make you feel like a million pounds,
And that's the wonder of them.

Thangyouverymuch and my warmest wishes again to the Cassidys.

I gate-crashed the other wedding the next day and instead of rambling, will hand over to Young Omal Speaks for a description. Naomi and Brad kindly enivited me to the evening do and all I had to do was send a tonsilitis bug to Liverpool and Bob's yer uncle, I wangled a seat for the speechies and eaties.

A message to both of you; I can tell already that you will be together for life so all I can say is that I look forward to a sharing another camping trip with you, near a housing estate round the corner from wherever Kevin is living at the time.

Goodnight my sweets.

My new favourite people. Had nothing but friendliness from them on my world cup trip, apart from that bunch of neo-nazis we encountered during the Argentina match but they were an exception and actually added a delicious edge to the proceedings. Anyway, I met up with the boys; Sean 'Mish Moneypenny' Conroy, Johnny 'Super' Mac, and 'Sixty Hours Of' Phil Reynoldinho. We hopped on the boat to Berlin and checked into the Hotel Loudy-Hot on Oliver Platt Square. The room was great. It was the penthouse suite on the top floor of the building and had these huge art decor style windows flanked on either side by two gargoyles. One was traditional but the other had the head of Harold Lloyd and was hanging off the ledge for dear life.

It was all very impressive but ridiculously hot which I could understand because our room was the closest to the sun. It was however really really loud as well, like we were sleeping by the side of the road outside. Why? I'll tell you why I will, and for nothin' boy. Rogue Portugal fans had installed a road-winch at the bottom of our hotel which they cranked up to our floor when we weren't looking out of the window and down again when one of us strayed too close. Presumably to make sure we would be so tired that we wouldn't have the energy to cheer England on to victory.

Well we showed them boys! Anyroadup, I took this picture of brother Reynoldinho. What the devil is he doing?

A) The Patrick Duffy Man-From-Atlantis stance
B) Landing on the bed after falling through the roof.
C) Trying to leap towards the window to catch the Portugese out.
D) Sleeping.

To be honest, there were a lot of things Reynoldinho said and did which immediately created in internal list of ridiculous ABC options in our minds eye, a bit like in Robocop. The man is a walking legend.

I can't finish this entry without mentioning Johnny Mac, who specifically asked for a reference. Nobody has ever mentioned him in a blog before and this seemed to vex him so I will do him the honour by describing his antics. He didn't actually leave the hotel room for the entire holiday, choosing instead to watch every episode of 'The Good Life' on his portable DVD player whilst wearing a Cameron Diaz mask. He did occasionally ask the score but seemed happier when talking about "that one where Margot fell over in the mud".

At least Seany left the room and watched the games although he would sporadically bolt off into the nearby forest, returning half an hour later with a wild boar carcass draped over his shoulder.

All in all, a fantastic trip and I would jump at the chance to do it all again the next time the World Cup is in Germany.

Laters Babe X