Wednesday, May 17, 2006

 

Boothby Graffoe

My mate, Joe Jim Joe Burly Burly Sven, has blog about the radio and that; It am here. He recently had a mud-wrestle with a well known Radio 4 mega-star comedian truffle hunter details here and you know what? Insanely psychotic thirty nine centimeter rap-artist, M.C. BlueKnuckles, decided to weigh in with some rhymes. He made me print them on pain of death.

Yo Mister Graffoe,
Betta do yo math-O,
Mess with my homie,
Your ass I'll Straff-O.

Listen up Boothby,
Y' know what the truth be,
Yo lame-ass show,
Has a 'Radio 2' feel.

Word.

 

Ode to Jon Bon Jovi



You are the real thing, Jon Bon Jovi,
You are like some hot scone trophy,
As a soup, you're won ton groovy,
Can I direct you in a King Kong movie?

Friday, May 12, 2006

 

When I woke up this morning...

There was two feet of snow in my garden.


 

I have a sister...

...what do live in New Zealand. She is called Hgaaaameeb. Did you know there is a phonebox in Wellington which (using judiciuosly placed mirrors) pretends to be a portal all the way to the northern hemisphere. They've worked it out that if you did actually dig directly down from this phonebox, you would eventually surface in Paris. I guess I'm trying to get across just how far away from me my skin-and-blister actually lives because the existence of this portal tells me that the furthest point away from Wellington is Paris. But I live about 300 miles from Paris, so I live even further away!

Still, she has great life down there and has actually grown by 15 metres in both directions. She plays rugby every single day with a loyal bunch of gorgeous elephant-monkeys and then grazes on nearby Rimu trees and the odd norwegian tourist. She has a nice boyfriend called Fabulous who loves her so much that he sleeps on top of the house to stop it blowing away in the night. She works with very nice people but 90% of them are allergic to the floor so they have use a complicated system of pulleys and shopping trolleys to move around the office. It's a very big office because their job is to create and maintain Billy Zane's internets for him while he's out canoeing.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

 

My Friend Kevin

I have a friend, Kevin Peanut-Lick ChickenFeet III, who runs a Crocodile Geisha School in Bath.

Crazy feet, Crazy guy!

 

Stunt

I am currently trying to see how many mice I can fit into a guitar. I've managed one so far. He seems to like it in there and he won't leave. I may have to lure him out with shoelaces and beer.
On another note, I have a baseball cap with a spoon on it.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

 

Reasons for not posting my photo.

The last time I posted my picture on a website (www.massive-dolphin-fingernails.com) I almost broke all of the internets in the world. Due to my illegal good looks, my image not only burnt out most of the screens it was viewed on but caused collateral damage to many of the more important internet tunnels. I have since consulted Sir Clive Spectrum and he says he's fixed them up again and fortified them with sand and crushed bananas. So far, everything seems okay. Good work Sir Clive, you big wanker.

 

Not sure if I should post my photo but here goes...


 

This is not my poem...

Kylie Kylie Kylie,
You are really ace,
Minogue, Minogue, Minogue,
Let's fly away to space!

Monday, May 08, 2006

 

Earth Defence


 

The largest felt-tip pen in the world

I am currently in the process of constructing a pen that you will be able to see from space. Then I could draw a scary face on the Earth so that if any aliens want to invade, they will be tricked into thinking that, instead of a planet, Earth is a big massive head who can bray them with ease. I was also thinking of drawing a big speech bubble coming out of the moon saying, "Go on Macca, Knack them all!".

More scarily, someone has climbed inside my computer and replaced all of my desktop items with half-eaten biscuits. Maybe they got in through my internet chimney. There isn't really a lot I can do about it. This is like the time they replaced my recycle bin with a swiss army knife. Sound much more useful than it really is. Try it and see.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

 

Some Things you should all know

I am the Monkey King of Wessex and I will bring down on thee a plague of raging primates if you do not start paying attention. I can also count among my dear friends, the Wolf Emperor of Bingley and for sure he will assist me in my quest, calling to arms his terrible family of hell-dogs.

On another note, I started eating my house today.

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